Endorphins and Energy: December 2009

I can't believe that we've reached the end of 2009. This year has, undoubtedly, been the fastest and craziest year of my life. I can still remember ringing in the new year 2000, complete with cut-out paper streamers and hand-made confetti. I was eleven years old, and couldn't shake the feeling that something really exciting was going to happen.

The next ten years have certainly lived up to my young expectations. I graduated from gradeschool, was diagnosed with a medical rarity, went to highschool, transferred to a new highschool, made some of the most amazing friends a girl could ask for, had my heart broken, graduated highschool, went to college, sleepwalked through freshman year, and created a true home-away-from-home. Now, I'm twenty years old, a junior in college with a clear idea of where my life is headed. I always thought twenty was so old. Like, ancient. Ten years ago, I'd probably thought I'd be married or something by now. Ew.

I was a different person ten years ago. Sometimes, it scares me to remember how different. I was extremely introverted and shy; my lack of confidence in myself led to many a lunch alone. I wasn't a total bottom-feeder, but I sure as hell wasn't popular. The mean girls liked to make me their little experiment; they'd make me feel like I was "in," then tell me of all the fun they had at that party they didn't invite me to. By the time I was thirteen, I thought true friends were more mythical than unicorns. I'd resigned myself to my loneliness. I spent a few more years chasing the "boy of my dreams," thinking if I just tried hard enough, he'd finally like me. I did everything from changing my haircolor, my clothes, my attitude, my body--nothing worked. I'd known him my whole life, but he treated me like a stranger. Finally, at sixteen, I'd had enough. I was a shell of a person, broken and messed with to an unbearable extent. I was done. I didn't want to hate myself anymore. So I walked away. In my twenty-year existence, it's the best thing I've ever done for myself.

He was the first person I ever changed myself for. He is also the last. Through all the heartbreak and backstabbing, I learned a very valuable lesson at a young age: always, always, always be yourself. There are people who aren't going to like you no matter what you do. But if you don't like you, that's a much bigger problem. I've spent the last four years trying to figure out who exactly I am. I've made some pretty decent progress, and this is what I've come up with: I love to laugh. I'm a 75% optimist...trying to get to that full 100 soon. I live to write. I'm a hopeless romantic, no matter what the world tells me or how jaded I should be. I love music. I'm organized and can't stand a mess. My haircolor will always change. I like doing well in school. I'll always be most comfortable in jeans and a t-shirt. I'm addicted to coffee and peanut butter. I love to go out, but I'm also a homebody. I love cooking. I love my family and our crazy Italian-ness. I can be insecure. I worry a lot. I have "mother-hen" syndrome. I'm stubborn. I'm honest. And deep down, I now know who I am. And I'll never stray from that. Ever.

My friends are a big part of who I am. I haven't forgotten the time when I thought I'd never have the kind of BFFs you read about in books and magazines, the kind that I'd watch on the playground. But I was wrong. I have all that and more. They're the best part of me. They're the ones who remind me everyday just how lucky I am. I adore my friends from highschool, and I'm permanently attached to my friends in college. They push me and encourage me; they're my second family. They know me better than I know myself sometimes. And I know there isn't a boy in the world that I'd trade them for.

The last ten years have been crazy. It's hard to encompass everything I've seen, done, and learned because there's just too much. But I do know how different I am. You could say I'm wiser, smarter, quicker. I am older, and I guess that comes with the territory. I've asked a lot of questions and doubted where my life was heading. I guess that's normal, but I'm tired of asking, "Why me?" or "Why not me?" If I've learned anything, it's that you can't sit around and wait for life to happen to you--you need to go out there and make life happen. Take a chance. Have the confidence to go after what you want. Don't shy away and let opportunities pass you by. Listen to your gut. Follow your heart. They all sound like cliches, and in my mind, they used to be. But ever since I changed my perspective, these don't seem like cliches anymore. They're extremely hard to follow but also extremely worth it. I can't wait for 2010, 2011, and beyond....something tells me that this next decade will be even better than the last.